I’ll be honest, since radiation ended, I’ve struggled. Really struggled. I’ve worried…
What if they didn’t get it all?
What if there was one cell left?
What if it comes back more aggressive than before?
What if this thing that I’m eating/putting on my body/being around is causing me cancer?
What if….
Truth is, I’ve kind of shut down a little, paralyzed with fear. And then, I feel so guilty for giving into fear… worried that my Savior may be disappointed that my faith isn’t stronger. (Isn’t that how the enemy works? He not only is the one who gives fear, but he is the accuser… pointing out our lack of faith when we do fear.)
So as I sit in the oncologist office today waiting on my monthly shot, my eyes are filled with tears. And I pray, “Oh GOD. I’m so sorry my faith isn’t stronger. I’m afraid. I do believe… please, please help my unbelief. Is that enough?”
I immediately remember a gift one of my kids gave me years ago when he was 3. We had gone to a ceramic store to paint, and he had picked out his favorite character, Buzz Lightyear. He worked so hard on it, doing his best to paint it just perfectly.
When he gave it to me, I loved it. I didn’t love it because it was perfect. I loved it because he trusted me with something valuable to him. He gave me what he had.
He saw it the other day and laughed, “Wow Mom! This is terrible! But you know what I remember… you loved it when I gave it to you! You never said anything about how bad it is! It’s like you thought it was perfect!”
And I am reminded… GOD is not looking for perfection. Mustard seed faith doesn’t mean there is no fear. It just means we give HIM the little faith we have because we trust HIM enough to multiply it.
HEs not waiting to point out our shortcomings. HE, as our loving Father, takes what we give HIM with love… not because we have no fear, but because we give HIM what we have, no matter what it looks like.
Your fear may not be cancer. It may be COVID
Or schooling issues
Or financial needs
Or relationship struggles
Or sickness
Or racial tension
Or job situations
Or the unknown
You don’t have to have a lot of faith. You just have to have enough to say, “GOD, I’m afraid, but I believe. Help my unbelief.”
That is enough.
That imperfect gift is perfect in HIS eyes. And HE is faithful to make something beautiful of it.
